something to write home about

I'm At That Other Web Address Over There

2007-11-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hey-lo internet reader friends! ("Hey-lo" not to be confused with "Halo", the hot new-ish game young-ish kids and 35 year old gamers are playing these days, while they wear Bobby Brown era head mics and shoot each other up all virtual style) I'm writing to tell you that mostly these days I'm posting on my other blog, Uncle Moustache. Please check that out for fun updates until further notice.

Now that I've written that, I'll probably get a burst of creativity mixed with biological Red Bull-like ambition and write a ton of posts here. However, Gossip Girl is on right now, so don't count on it. But, on the chance that that does happen, all posts here will appear there on good ol' Uncle Moustache. So you'll see them either way.

By the way, The Stache is a Tumblr blog, which are totally easy to make and update. You should totally start one, so I can totally check it, and we can totally be friends (yes, you can be "blog friends" on Tumblr. You thought I was talking about real friends? Never. That's never gonna happen between you and I. Kidding. We're already friends, if you're checking this. And if we're not friends, then you found me by web-stalking. In which case, we're not friends, weirdo. Unless you're Donald Trump, in which case, I wanna ride in your limo dog. Call me.).

Ok, see you later, in OtherBlogville. And Merry Christmas season to you. Especially you, Trump.

GET CHECKED!

2007-09-24T14:39:00.000-04:00

Step on the field and get the feeling knocked out of you by the latest installment of Reality Check!, the new Best Week Ever podcast I created with Josh Lay. It might just be the best footage of 2 fake referees you watch all day. And that's saying a lot, considering your plans to watch ESPN's Referee Masquerade Party Marathon today.

An A-Bomb of More News

2007-09-06T02:33:00.000-04:00

Hello there folks and folkettes! Happy post-Labor Day and take off those white pants! In the other room. There should be some pajama pants in the dresser you can use.

As seems to be the case lately, I have more amazing things share with you, so many great ones that I want you to begin reading this update by watching the video intro below:

So now that you're all jazzed up, here goes!

It's been a busy summer and I've been busy like a bee (but not as busy as the Singing Bee - Joey Fat-One! Oh!). And now I can offer you some fruit of my labor.

First, I was in a promo for USA Network's The 4400 TV show. The 4400 is basically USA's version of Heroes. Except it's been running for 3 SEASONS. Sure Heroes, you may have a large production budget, compelling stories, and main characters whose names are spelled differently but sound ridiculously similar to your show title, but I'll tell you what you don't have - A THIRD SEASON! You will next year, but then The 4400 will have 4 SEASONS. So you'll have to do double time to keep up this season, Heroes. Put that in your special effects pipe and smoke it.

The premise of these promos for The 4400 is that there is a drug called Promicin that the government just made legal and it will either kill you or give you Heroes-ish powers (Heroes, you win again!). I play a guy who took the drug, lived, and now has this great weird power to spoil food, so his friend films him and puts it on YouTube. Check out my food spoilin' special effects!

Next up in the world of news: I started a new blog and I've been posting on it for a while now. Now if you think I've been blog-cheating on you, you need to blog-get over it. It's a Tumblr blog which is super simple and awesome and what all the kids are using. The blog is called Uncle Moustache, and I try to post on it every day if I can. What you can expect from the new blog: less writing, more pictures, and even things that aren't funny. That's right, it's my thought-freakin'-provoking side. I know, I know, everything on this blog is MIND BLOWING HILARITY, so occasionally I need to post something that is just WORDS. Or PICTURES. So enjoy. And start one of your own. And if you do, we can become Tumblr blog friends.

And the last bit of news is an exciting bit. My comrade Josh Lay and I recently produced a new podcast for Best Week Ever.tv called REALITY CHECK. The R CHECK, as Josh and I call it when we're brainstorming and summering on our 90' iYacht (a wifi enabled yacht that plays MP3s) is hosted by Josh and I as two insane referees calling fouls and penalties on the reality TV superstars of the week. The name of the game is INTENSITY folks. After filming this, Josh was hooked into an IV for 6 hours, and I had to be resuscitated twice. But it is worth it. Enjoy, go watch it on the BWE.tv site to drive our hits into skyrocketing numbers, and look for the R CHECK on BWE.tv in the future.

That is all the news on my end. What a download! I think I could only have made bigger news if I released myself as music player communications device, waited a month, shrunk myself, gave myself twice the memory and lowered my price a few hundred dollars (sound familiar bummed out iPhone and past iPod buyers? I know, you love Apple and you hate them)!

Oh, someone has a birthday soon. And if you wanna send him a present, you can email him and get his address. Not saying who. It's not Marshall Benbow, although he has a birthday too. And so does Sanjaya Malakar. But it's not him either.

Newer News Of Newness

2007-08-30T13:45:00.000-04:00

So yeah, it's been a while since I've posted. More on why later, but for now, check out this link to a newer online presence, corycavin.com, that is bigger than the Pogo Ball. Trust me.

UPDATE: After reviewing, corycavin.com may be the worst site on the internet. Changes are coming soon. Trust me. (If your trust was crushed after trusting me last time, renew it by reminding yourself that I love you (if you randomly found this site and I don't know you, it is hard for me to love you so go back to the original trust and try that one)).

In the mean time, check out this article I wrote for Best Week Ever.tv on the Top 11 Reality Dating Shows Starring Rock Stars I'd Like To See.

Blech

2007-07-23T17:43:00.001-04:00

I might be sick.

Actually, I am sick. That is a picture of my throat. If you're a doctor, tell me if you see anything in my throat. It's swollen and hurts. I think due to lack of sleep and being overrun as of late due to producing comic hilarity and entertaining guests from out of town (and being on double decker tour buses all weekend with my fabulous mother and her friend). Also, if there's a way for you to ship me some drugs, get on that stat - ha! Doctor's term! See, I'm in the know, Doc. Now send me some healin', ASAP.

My good friend Miles Travis recently posted an IM conversation we had on his blog in his Catching Up With.... series. If you're laid up on the couch like me you can read it. Also, you can watch some movies....Kicking and Screaming (didn't like it), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (meh, ok), and The Devil Wears Prada (liked it, actually too much to feel good about myself).

Since Miles is catching up me currently, I'll let you catch up Miles a few years ago with this video I made for Miles' birthday when we lived in Montana back in 2000. This adds to the video archvies of the Youth Gone Wild trip of 2000-20001.

And if you can send me some anti-biotics I'm game. I just got to the Daniel Radcliffe tub scene in The Goblet of Fire, and I think I'm ready to be off the couch now.

On The Catwalk, Yeah

2007-07-18T22:45:00.000-04:00

I almost choked on my dinner at work because I was laughing so hard watching this.

It's not really the model that's funny (except for her oh-so-wobbly-stems...yep, I said 'stems'). It's the anchors that are losing it, which in turn, made me lose it. I'm sure if there was a video of me choking while watching this, those guys would laugh hysterically at that too.

Who Let The Dogs Out? (If You Did, Keep Them Away From Michael Vick)

2007-07-18T21:04:00.000-04:00

With the news of Michael Vick and his recent indictment of charges for hoooorrrrible crimes against doggies (seriously, seriously terrible stuff), it looks like dogs everywhere are getting their revenge. Here, a French dog is fed up with bikers in his home town (and also fed up with not seeing Lance Armstrong this year (and therefore no Gyllenhaal or Matthew McConaughey, sans shirt as it would be)), so he takes matters into his own hands....or paws. HA! Paws!

Pay close attention to how the wheel on la velo just folds when the dog decides to unleash his K-9 power.

2 Days From Now....

2007-07-11T01:59:00.000-04:00

This is happening.

RUFF BOYZ, my sketch comedy and video show at the UCB Theatre debuts. I wrote it with Bill Grandberg and Josh Lay. It's going to be freakin' awesome. We've put in tons of work and late nights on this and we're really excited. Prepare to see such feats as fake vomiting, barbershop quartet singing and dancing, dummies being hit by cars, past and present selves fighting each other, TLC videos, and a mind blowing conclusion. Yes. You may wanna call your ex and bring them to this...cause it just might get the two of you back together.

If you're in NYC, please come out to the show - we need an audience there to boost the show and get a good response so we can get a run at the theater. Details are here. See you there!

They Heads Be Explodin' And All

2007-06-27T17:34:00.000-04:00

I cut together this "highlight" reel of Jennifer Hudson and Jennifer Holliday, the original Dreamgirl from the play (who was seemingly determined to eradicate Jennifer Hudson with her vocal Jujitsu), from the BET Awards on Tuesday night. I watched this performance probably 5 times and was laughing out loud by myself in my office. Which is probably a creepy sound for the security guard who comes around about 2AM to check on everything on the mostly empty 6th floor of our building. My favorite moments are when Holliday's jaw goes into that cartoony sideways pose, like she's Wile E. Coyote that's just seen hot cartoon lady.

Here's a full post that they (they = Michelle, Senior Editor, funnylady, coworker) used the video for.

In other work news, I'm starting to like the taste of bitter, unsweetened coffee. The night job is getting its claws in me.

What's In The Hall 6-27-07: Inventor's Edition

2007-06-27T17:27:00.000-04:00

Dilemma: You need to watch your baby and your View, but naptime and BarbaraTime is at the same time. What do you do?

Solution: The Tele-Crib.

Plop that kid on there and, oh snap, it's View time!

PS - I would never do that to this baby.

A Great Way To Blow The Budget Of, Say, An Entire Nation

2007-06-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure this is ridiculous.

I also think it's what is inside Bill Gates' head if you cut it open.

Branching Out, Cashing In

2007-06-04T16:44:00.000-04:00

As a struggling actor/writer/comedian, I have to find some other income until the royalty checks start rolling in (the screenplay for Over The Top 2: HArm Wrestling is well under way though, be looking for it). But until then....

Notice I didn't even put prices in. I'll be raising them so fast I won't have time to put them in in the first place. Not even hybrids will be safe.

No Creative Title - My Wit Is On Holiday

2007-05-28T19:54:00.000-04:00

Happy Memorial Day.

The hydrants are open again in my neighborhood.

Here's the final Star 76 video I did. With Marcos Sanchez, of Chantico Warfare with me, and Rachel Zylstra.

Plug Friday

2007-05-11T03:13:00.000-04:00

Hey you guuuuuyss!!! Who am I? Sloth!? From the Goonies!? You're right! Also, if you said the big crazy looking guy from The Hills Have Eyes, you're close, he does look like Sloth. And if you said watching that movie while you work all by your lonesome late at night in a giant office building was a bad idea, you're definitely right. Cause I did it. And it scares you. Even though you're not 9. Or a little girl.

Since it's Friday here are more TGIF plugs for you, the first in the form of another Star 76 promo video I did, this one with Jeremy O'Grady and Beth Cartier. BTW, Star 76 just opened their online store, so go there and get yourself a t-shirt to look all stylish this weekend at that potluck/birthday party/spin-the-bottle-marathon you're going to.

And now you're thinking, "Man that was a great video. Now that I'm so pumped to have an awesome weekend with this great new t-shirt, what's gonna be my weekend soundtrack?" Good question. You can answer that by getting Sergeant's brand new album, featuring my friend Keli Reule. Go to their MySpace to buy it.

No, no, don't thank me. Thank Plug Friday. The best day of the week.

TGIF (TELL GUS Chiggins I'M FUNNY)

2007-05-04T02:50:00.000-04:00

It's Friday again - my the weeks are rolling on, IT'S MAY ALREADY, wow you and I gotta get in shape soon to hit the beach, bro! Nice cargos! - so I figured I'd gift you another video for your entertainment.

Here's another video from the Leadership Camp. This is Always Be Closing, our episodic office video. We recently added it to Funny Or Die, Will Ferrell and Adam McKay's comedy YouTube brainchild. Here's the deal: watch it, and if you think it's funny, click the Funny button on the clip. If you don't think it's funny, click the Die button. The more Funny rankings we get, the higher we're rated on the site and the better it looks. The more Die's we get, the lower our score and the worse it looks til' it's banished to the "unfunny crypt" of the site. So go ahead, watch it and rate, in full honesty, whatever you think. (I'm watching you SO hard and if you even think about hitting Die I will come through this screen so fast you'll think I was Al Gore jumping out of the internet I created....I am so serious right now, I would even slap Ghandi for voting Die, I don't even care...). What, go ahead, watch. I didn't say anything.

Always Be Closing: Episode 1

Oh, To Be A Rockefeller

2007-05-02T23:45:00.000-04:00

Today I got a voicemail from my mom saying,

"Hey Cory, hope you're doing good. I guess you have to work tonight. That's too bad. Sorry we're not independently wealthy and you have to go to work."

I feel really blessed to have parents who are humble enough to admit their faults....like not becoming millionaires.

It's ok, Mom and Dad, I still love you. Although I will say, the one thing from my childhood that really messed me up was my extreme lack of caviar.

There's A BLACKOUT In NYC Tonight

2007-05-01T00:39:00.000-04:00

Tonight, all those in the NYC area, prepare to sit in the dark and be tickled (not literally, that's weird) as my improv group BLACKOUT does a show at the UCB Theatre tonight in NYC. BLACKOUT performs a fully improvised show off one suggestion completely in the dark. It's like an improvised radio show, or like lying in bed awake listening to your neighbors fight (only funnier).

Show starts at 11pm, tickets are $5, and you can even go at 8:00pm and see great improv from the UCBT's Harold teams and stay for our show afterwards....all for one low price. Come on out and wear whatever you want, because no one will be able to see you in the dark. You can finally wear that Bobby Brown t-shirt you've wanted to.

TGIFAHACV (thank God it's Friday and here's another couple videos)

2007-04-27T02:32:00.000-04:00

Hello weekenders and welcome to Friday. The day that glares you in the face and says, "Look at me. You can't wait for my "day part" to be over so you can leave work, but can't wait for my "night part" to begin so you can get jiggy. You cannot escape me."

Here's to you having a good Friday. And here are a few more videos to get you through that "day part." The first one is a short from the Leadership Camp, the comedy short group I'm a part of (I tried to not end that sentence with a preposition about five times but failed each time so I gave in). I think it's our creepiest one yet. Enjoy Falcon (with Josh Lay as the tight-turtlenecked Falcon).

And the second video is another Star 76 commercial. This time with Josh ackin' the fool as a painter alongside Nick Ross (as a canvas, as it were).

And come be the Leadership Camp's friend on MySpace too. We are so lonely.

Spring Awakening

2007-04-24T00:43:00.000-04:00

It has been beautiful in NYC the past few days. We finally exited our "we're just like Seattle!" phase and the rain finally left, and now Spring is in full effect. That's allowed for lying in the grass and relaxing/falling asleep/drooling in open public spaces, which also allows for overhearing conversations like this gem I caught while napping in the Cloisters in upper Manhattan this weekend:

"So the urethra was blocked!"

And after that, I heard no context to place it in. Could've been a patient, a person, a whale, whatever. For more great things overheard, check out Overheard In New York, the website of things....overheard in New York. Be warned, like New York, it is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended.

And, here's another Star 76 video, starring Bradford How and Chris Czyz.

Get Your Hot Buttered T-Shirts!

2007-04-19T04:35:00.000-04:00

It's almost the weekend, so who's ready for some more videos?? What? You're still crying about Sanjaya? It'll pass. Trust me. Now, onto the videos.

Recently, Kristen asked me to create a few videos for a clothing company she was starting with her friend Jeremy. Kristen and Jeremy started Star76, a company that takes original art from talented artists they know and prints them onto t-shirts to fit over your manly/dainty torso. Their goal is to partner with emerging artists to bring you a quality wearable and fashionably artistic product, and also to partner with emerging non-profits to further great causes and social consciousness. We worked on the videos for a few weeks, hammered them out from the ground up, and I was lucky enough to be able to cast a bunch of friends in them. Now I'm pleased to have them done and ready to show to all you peeps. Here's the first one, starring Joe Spellman, of Death League Tea Party. Enjoy.

I'll keep posting the videos here. If you like them, you can repost and email them from Star76's iFilm and YouTube sites. In the mean time, go check out Star76 on the web and get ready for their launch party next weekend. Come on out and buy a stylish shirt at the party, or at their website. I think you might need it. I can see the shirt you're wearing right now. C'mon dude. Seriously.

(MUCH thanks to Josh for helping with all the video shoots. He has a nice cameo at the end of this video too.)

More Like Orville Reden-Hitler

2007-04-13T04:34:00.000-04:00

When you're making microwave popcorn, it's not a bad idea to completely read the directions on the bag. Especially the part that says DO NOT LEAVE POPCORN UNATTENDED WHILE POPPING IN MICROWAVE.

Otherwise your microwave will bellow with yellow sulfurous smoke that burns your eyes like mustard gas, causing you to turn on 3 fans and open the windows of your apartment, while you cough and say to yourself, "I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST POPCORN!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE!!???"

And your microwave have a new tint to it like this:

...Leaving your whole apartment with the aftermath smell of charred butter. I really should've stuck with this microwave.

We Are All Leaders...but some of us have VIDEOS

2007-04-10T11:37:00.000-04:00

Spring is starting (ever so slowly) to spring up and now the fruits of winter labor are staring to show. I'm not reciting some cryptic Robert Frost lyric (although that's what it sounds like).

Rather, I'm here to announce to you the launching of The Leadership Camp website.

The Leadership Camp is a sketch comedy video group I'm in with a few friends, Josh, Matthew, and Dugan. The first video, Always Be Closing - an office comedy about a horrible real estate firm - is up. I play the clueless intern - a role I've trained for through clueless internships. Check it out.

This is hopefully the first of a few launches I'll be telling you about here. Get excited. More funny stuff is coming. And so is Spring. We just gotta get above the 40 degree mark for that one to happen.

*If you're bored at work, at home, or at a really boring party that has high speed internet, you can also check out my YouTube page. I've been updating it with some old Lurecrest program videos. More will be added as time goes on.

What's In The Hall 4-2-07

2007-04-07T04:04:00.000-04:00

It's been a while and there's been a hiatus. But now I'm back to tell you....

WHAT'S IN THE HALL? !!!

So what's in the hall when you come from work at 4am in the morning?

Dinner. Or what's left of it.

Including some nice potassium rich dessert. Mmmmmm. (Also glad these people didn't come out of their door as I was snapping pictures on my knees out in the hallway)

Those are some "delicious Chinese foods". Or "Chinese delicious foods". Whatever.

And that's...

WHAT'S IN THE HALL!!

*Check out KBall's WITH?: Grammercy Edition! It's spreadin' like jam! Or the black plague! Or the black jam plague (which is worse than both)!

Another Distraction While I Do My Taxes

2007-03-19T12:29:00.001-04:00

Happy Monday everyone. As I begin my climb downward to drown in receipts to report to Uncle Sam - and promise myself I'll never be the kind of uncle that requires my relatives to pay me while I wear a ridiculous red, white, and blue hat - I have some distractions to offer you.

If you're not familiar with The Mountain Goats, you're missing out on some wonderfully witty, poignant, and at times heart breaking music. John Darnielle is known for his energetic live performances peppered with his speeches and stories told to crowds of nerds/intellectuals/indie fans. Snatch up this gem of him telling the tragic tale of Swedish music heroes Ace of Base in his version of The Sign.

The Mountain Goats - The Sign (Live)

And if you're doing your taxes today also, take a break from adulthood with Joey Ramone and this track:

Ramones - I Don't Want To Grow Up

(Both of these tracks via You Ain't No Picasso)

And now, render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.

A Steal Of a Deal Of a Meal

2007-03-15T03:57:00.000-04:00

At work tonight I noticed a new French restaurant was added to our online delivery account. Being particularly in the mood for duck, crepes, and red wine (I was also wearing a kickin' beret), I decided to check out the menu. However, I think the Euro goes a lot further than my $20 expense account:

click on the image for a closer look

Because $2200 is a lot for a steak, even if it's all the way from gay Paris.
Ok. Maybe this is a misprint. But this isn't.

Wild Drum n' Bass Beats Will Drag Me Away

2007-03-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

During a meeting with a friend at a coffee shop the other day, I heard a techno version of Sympathy For The Devil playing in the background. Keith Richards is rolling over in his grave right now.

Wait, that guy's still alive. But barely though. Just barely....

What's In The Hall?: 3-8-07

2007-03-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone, and welcome to this week's....

WHAT'S IN THE HALL?

I know this week's WITH? is a little late, but man oh man, it's a good one and you'll be glad you waited. Or, I waited.

So this week there were several choices of what was in the hall - lottery tickets, an open bag of Dipsy Doodles, two teenagers making out for 45 minutes - and then this wonderfully strange piece of furniture:

You could add this great specimen to your dark, dank basement and use it as a torture rack to get secrets out of all those Russian spies that live in your hood (they're so stubborn!!).

However, on the eve of posting this entry, I stumbled upon something else in the hall too good to pass up:

A truly space age microwave. Not only does this microwave sport stainless steel (which is the ultimate in space age-iness), but it also boasts an infrared scanner to scan UPC bar codes on food packaging for automatic programmed reheating!

After a little research I found out this microwave was part of the BEYOND suite of digital living products. Basically, kitchen appliances integrated with "smart" computer technology so they're all connected together - and when you sleep they will take over your house with technical wizardry and evil culinary genius.

This week's WITH? wowed me so much I brought it out of the hall and into the apartment. I ran it through some simple diagnostic tests (aka, heated up some leftover Pad Thai) and it passed with flying colors. I found out this microwave comes preloaded with 500 UPC's programmed into it to recognize food packages when you scan them. I tried out the scanner wand but to no avail. However, I was scanning a pint of Hagen Daz ice cream, so I don't hold that against the folks at BEYOND. Because really, they'd be the fools if they programmed ice cream into their scanning rolodex.

Wielding the laser wand in the kitchen

I was pretty fascinated by the whole BEYOND line - mostly because I can't figure out why I'd want my coffee maker to wirelessly sync up to my microwave (especially because they're usually close enough together to use a short wire for any "data transfer" I'd need). I was also impressed by the BEYOND Breadmaker, pretty much because a breadmaker is one of those appliances that's owned by only 1 out of every 20 people I know. So I can only imagine how many less people have a breadmaker with an infrared scanning wand. I started to get the feeling that the BEYOND line of products was like a jetpack - or better yet - like a LaserDisc player in the late 80's/early 90's: they seem pretty freakin' cool, but not many people you know have one, and you can pretty much get along OK without it.

Laseriffic re-heating - Comin' at ya!

So after a few hours, I returned the BEYOND microwave to the hall (this was also after my roommate Stu said it smelled musty). I figure WHAT'S IN THE HALL, stays in the hall.

Come back for next week's WHAT'S IN THE HALL? !

And for a special WITH? update:
As of this morning, the refrigerator from the first episode....

Still in the hall!

Great Breaking News

2007-03-08T02:17:00.000-05:00

Coming soon, News just got better. And newsier. Get excited.

Everybody Eat Now

2007-03-01T00:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight at work I ordered delivery from a place called The Bread Factory. I went downstairs to pick up my order and as I signed my check I noticed the guy was wearing a pullover from The Laugh Factory. And as he walked away, I swear he had on a hat from The Cheesecake Factory.

As I turned to go upstairs and enjoy my meal, something made me turn back around.

"Hey man", I said. "I can't help but be curious about all your Factory gear and....Do I know you from somewhere?"

"Yeah. I used to lay some hard stuff down at another factory."

(Pause)

"Freedom?? Is that you?"

He stared me down hard.

"Yeah it's me. And that cafe au lait and large order of mixed berry crepes are gonna make you sweat."

And off he dashed through the revolving door into the night.

"Hmmmmmmmmmm", I thought. "That makes me go hmmmmmmmmm."

Why You Should Constantly Be Plugged Into The Internet

2007-02-27T13:55:00.000-05:00

I have been holed up for the past day editing a backlog of videos for various things, and on only the second day of this, I'm already feeling claustrophobic and hermit-ish. I always imagine what I'm missing in this great city, and today I'm sad to report that I missed this last weekend! And not due to doing actual work, but actually participating in a large scale prank for the brilliant Improv Everywhere.

Check out the footage and pics from the 2007 Union Square Pillow Fight (courtesy of Brooklyn Vegan), and see what Union Square can be, other than the NYC equivalent to the Pit at UNC, and home to a snowboard contest.

NOTE: For any concerned, there's some possibly offensive language and a video of large pantsless and drawers-less man in the pillow fight link (he's blurred out though...sheesh*).

NOTE: For anyone else concerned, I just typed "sheesh", putting me in the same category of comedy journalists Marmaduke and The Family Circus.

What's In The Hall?: 2-22-07

2007-02-22T17:15:00.000-05:00

WHAT'S IN THE HALL?

Well this week, a 19-inch television. If you put this week's What's In The Hall? with last week's entry, you could sit and watch some good ol' boob tube entertainment while enjoying a cold one from your new(ish) fridge! We can only hope next week we find a couch in the hall. Cross your fingers! And in subsequent weeks, maybe we'll find a wife, dog, child, hobby, newer hobby that fits when you're in your mid-40's, a boat to go with that new hobby, gas for that boat, and a Skipper.

I'm gonna have to move to a new building with bigger halls.

Tune for next week's What's In The Hall?!

Hit Me One More Time because I'm Crazy and possibly Toxic

2007-02-19T18:45:00.001-05:00

So the biggest news in the past few days is that Britney Spears has followed in the footsteps of Demi Moore, Natalie Portman, and Bela Lugosi and shaved her head. (This is the biggest news, unless you count things like an upcoming presidential election, and oh yeah, we're in a war) This "news" has saturated our media and has made it's way to all the papes' in New York (and by papes I'm referring to a term from that hit that is dear to my heart, Newsies).

It's not shocking that every news agency would have their say on Britney's newest antics. I think it's actually a little sad because she is maybe, as a friend of mine put it today, "possibly hitting rock bottom in front of everyone" (or trimming her hair for a local Fight Club - hey, either one, who knows?).

The NY Daily News gave this story front page headlines. If you look close at their headlines, one reads, "Experts say image in ruins".

Who are these "experts" the NY Daily News is hiring and questioning for their paper? You know, it takes an expert to do a lot of things - build a rocket, perform surgery...but I don't know if it takes an "expert" to judge this whole affair. I think a 6 month old or a small manatee could make this call acurately as well. Unless, the NY Daily News has recently employed manatees. Oh Daily News...you'll stop at NOTHING to get ahead of the competition!

Here's Looking To Warmer Months Ahead And Time In The Woods

2007-02-13T18:20:00.000-05:00

Here's to warmer months approaching some 70ish days from now. Here is possibly my favorite commercial ever, with some other men going to spend time in the woods. My only hope is that I can have a run in with Evil Beaver too. I'm a little worried about my new wooden leg though.

What's In The Hall? 2-13-07

2007-02-13T18:05:00.000-05:00

Hello all. I've been away for a while and not on the bloggin' parade for awhile. But now, good friends of the internet, I'm back with a new segment entitled What's In The Hall? (cue wacky Paul Shaffer them music, with Paul screaming What-What-What-What's In The Haaaaal!), where I show you random things that are in the hall of my building.

This week, a great surprise:

A working refrigerator!! (There was even a styrofoam sign on the front that said so - you can even see it broken in pieces on top - before the fridge was moved down the hall to defrost and leak everywhere)

And that's today's, What's In The Hall? !

Whoa Man

2007-01-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

First read this.

Now you'll need these.

You're welcome. And, wow. I can't wait for the iJetpack.

(This post is an homage to a favorite SNL video. Watch it and laugh hard. And then you'll need more of these.)

Easily the Funniest Thing I've Seen This New Year

2007-01-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

Of course it's only 4pm so far. Still. Happy New Year. Again.

The Twelve: Days 2 - 12

2006-12-31T05:33:00.000-05:00

Days 2 - 12: Had a fabulous Christmas, yet didn't update this at all.

New Years Resolution: Stop lying and making false promises about grandiose blogging projects.

Happy New Year.

The Twelve: Day 1

2006-12-14T01:47:00.000-05:00

Friends, countrymen, holiday celebrants, Hello! The Christmas season looms upon us all as it gets closer and closer to the big day of Christmas. If it's Hanukkah you're celebrating, that kicks off in 2 days at sundown on the 15th. If Kwanzaa is more your speed, then prepare to celebrate on December 26th. And if you're into Festivus, well that was made up by a TV show, and I gotta tell ya, with all the Michael Richards stuff going on now, you may wanna bail on that holiday this year (although you'd probably be able to hear Kramer coming down the chimney pretty well).

This year I'm celebrating the 12 Days Of Christmas right here on this here blog. Last year we counted down in online advent style, and this year we'll focus on the next twelve days leading up to Christmas. What's all this 'we' business, you ask? I'm the only one writing this thing in my pajamas listening to Bing Crosby on repeat for the 43rd time. Well this year there might be some friends/guest posters stopping by, so watch out. You may just have your mind blown for Christmas.

To kick off the 12 Days Blogebration, here is a photo taken last week that is proof that New York loves Christmas:

When the season rolls around, people don't just hang up lights, tip the Salvation Army bell ringer, and drink some cider. No siree - the streets RUN RED WITH CHRISTMAS JOY!!! It's like a Tale Of Two Cities Christmas-style!! AND I think that half of that is Grinch blood - just for bah-humbugging in our town. We don't play.

Stay tuned for more Days to come!

...And So It Begins

2006-12-01T23:53:00.000-05:00

The Road To Christmas has begun. Here's to a long December....

Mail For Hire

2006-11-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

Klaus Meine, lead singer of the Soviet rock supergroup The Scorpions, spoke profound mysteries when he sang of the "wind of change" blowing through history - which occurs on the heels of his magnificent whistle solo in the song (second, in my book, only to Axl's whistle solo in Patience). The Scorps have graced humanity with other lyrical greatness - "Here I am, rock you like a hurricane" for instance - but the wisdom in Wind Of Change is their truest gem, shining like Mikhail Gorbachev's head. Other Scorpion highlights include their 1977 release entitled Virgin Killer that featured (among face melting rock, I'm sure) a completely nude young girl on the album cover. This Scorps' move...maybe not so great. Chalk it up to bad vodka from the motherland maybe and too many benefit concerts with Anthrax, Skid Row, and the Bullet Boys.

But Klaus was right - the wind of change continues to blow. For this stateside rocker as well. The reality show I work on is winding down, so I've been on the prowl for new employment (LITERALLY - in a full catsuit, prowling around. Not the best way to look for job, mind you).

Today I found this, on that cornucopia of cyber-links, Craigslist. One of the reasons I moved to NYC was to dive more headlong into the world of acting, so I figured a quick look at the list of Craig couldn't hurt (though strangely, if I'm not a young shapely model willing to go to strange locales, there are WAY fewer options).

Here's the listing:

Looking for a mail lead
We are a production company based in New York but shooting in Bulgaria. We have a short film that is going in Production end of January for 4 days in Bulgaria.We pay for tickets and hotel and also a daily rate.Every part is cast only we are looking for a male lead 20-25 -strong build body, inocent, sencetive but in the same time strong personality. Only experienced and serious actors.Please e_mail headshot and resume to luchiav@yahoo.com

A few things at this listing give me pause. One - unless I'm up for the part of Cliff Clavin from Cheers, I think I'll be going out for a male lead, as opposed to a mail one.

Two - this company claims to be out of New York, yet working in Bulgaria. However, the grammar and writing of the ad sound like they were written by Borat, or someone else who rolls with ESL. And maybe English is not their first language and they are working out of New York. No problem - it is an international city (I mean, I'm part Polish and Dutch myself, so I get it).

Still, the third thing that sticks out to me is the description for this 'Mail Lead':

-strong build body, inocent, sencetive but in the same time strong personality.

Besides being 'inocent' and 'sencetive', he must 'in the same time strong personality'. My friends, I have taken a few performances classes in my day and I will tell you that this total package is hard to come by. Not all 'sencetive' actors have a 'strong build body'. That's just the facts. And if you are a young 'inocent' mail actor, it's tough to showcase your 'strong personality' 'in the same time.'

While I still haven't secured a position after my position of Captain Awesome at the reality show (seriously - that's what I'm listed as in the company directory) expires, I think I'm gonna pass on this opportunity to see Bulgaria and do business simultaneously. However, I do hope they get someone for the 'mail lead'.

And I realize, I'm being a little hard on these guys. I mean, it was obviously written by someone who doesn't speak English as a first language, and they probably speak another native language, maybe a few languages, so props to them for knowing and speaking more than me. I mean, I know of a few language crossovers that have been big successes. In fact, a little Russian outfit called The Scorpions comes to mind. And those guys have done well. For starters, they released Virgin Killer.

"I'm Here For The....Apartment?"

2006-11-12T01:31:00.000-05:00

When I saw this poster on the street, the last thing I thought they were advertising as "attractive" was "mortgage programs". Unless this is the newest venture of MySpace Realty. You're a genius, Tom.

Sweep The Leg Johnny!! Sweep The Leg!!!

2006-10-31T17:45:00.000-05:00

BOO!

(This image courtesty of the Cobra Kai)

The Latin Invasion

2006-10-25T15:58:00.000-04:00

Easily the most interesting thing I saw this week:

While leaving work Monday I saw by a limo driver waiting to pick someone up from my work building. He was shaking mini-maracas and chair dancing in the front seat as he waited. Someone whom I share a work address with rides home with this man. And they were still in the building.

Which brings me to one conclusion:

RICKY MARTIN IS STILL FOLLOWING ME.

Comrade Yellow

2006-10-19T00:21:00.000-04:00

Boredom at work today helped invent the ruler of a new commonwealth.

Banana + boom mic wind screen = Comrade Yellow, the Soviet Banana.

Journals of Western Expansion - Unearthed!

2006-10-16T00:21:00.000-04:00

Newest recipient of the "World's Greatest Dad" award, Miles "Kilo" Travis, is undertaking a great new project. In the year 2000, fresh out of paradise (aka, UNC-Chapel Hill), Miles and I took a road trip across the US and into British Columbia that eventually lead us to reside in Montana for one year where Miles met Brooklynne (newly elected "World's Greatest Mom" recipient, Southern region - not to be confused with the Northeastern region title holder, Ashley Holmberg, my sister and mother to my niece) and we deemed ourselves the new Lewis & Clark. We had a Geocities page that was a pre-cursor to a blog in those days, the online "Youth Gone Wild" journal, but that has since been deleted by the server. (Interweb!! Why do you torture me!? Blast you!!) Miles is taking video and journal entries from that year and posting a new entry from our year under the Big Sky every Monday. Check it out at his blog. I will do some guest posting there as well. Maybe our night in a South Dakota parking lot with tons of wild locals will make an uncensored appearance one day - interested? Keep checking Miles' blog the start of each week.

In a totally unrelated note, I just got done flossing with tutti-fruiti flavored dental floss, with seems to me a contradiction in terms. It was given to me by a friend in dental school, however the flavor makes me wonder if dental school isn't dental school at all but instead Clown College. My gums bled so much, like I had struck oil, but instead I was drilling with dental floss and the payoff was my own gum blood. Black (red?) gold, Texas Tea.

The Quotable Ocean

2006-10-11T23:47:00.000-04:00

This morning on the way to work I heard a man discussing the bus route with his wife. When she complained that they'd have to walk further to their destination when they got off the bus, he responded, "Well sweetheart...When the going gets tough...the tough get going."

How can a man respond this way to his wife? No - I'm not referring to bland clichés. Our society is full of these and they aren't good - they destroy our originality every second (but what are you gonna do? Gotta keep on truckin'.). I'm more concerned that this man is using a different faulty vehicle for conversation...Billy Ocean lyrics.

Other poor examples of this interpersonal communication failure include:

(When solidifying a relationship that was once a tryst)
Hey girl..."No more love on the run." (This works best if the woman is of royalty and of the US Island region, thus, a Carribean Queen.)

(While encouraging an emotionally stilted man)
Don't worry George there's always hope..."There'll be sad songs to make you cry - love songs often do."

(Emphatically declaring your intentions of relationship to a lady)
Grace, I "Wanna be your lover lover uhmm, Wanna be your lover lover lover boy, Lover lover yeah, Wanna be your lover lover lover boy." Do you understand me?

(Confronting a witch that haunts you subconsciously in your sleep and and asking them to accompany you on a drive to straighten things out)
Esmerelda - I'm giving you an ultimatum - "Get out of my dreams and into my car."

PLEASE stop Billy Ocean Lyricism Conversations. Before someone pulls out a line from the 1989 #32 Billboard hit "License To Chill". ("Look I know I'm 15 miles over officer, but I've got a "license to chill" if you know what I mean...yeah, that's Billy Ocean. Oh, out of your dreams and into your car? No? Just into your car. Yes officer.)

Get A Plunger

2006-10-10T01:08:00.000-04:00

I saw this sign was in the bathroom of a lovely NYC coffee shop. I refrained from stuffing paper towels down the bowl. However, it didn't stop me from stuffing other "inappropriate items":

A laugh at a funeral
White pants after Labor Day
A fat joke in front of my friend's overweight girlfriend
A question about salary to a stranger
Fart noises

Ha. That'll be clogged for days.

Great Reasons To Be Sitting at Work at 8:30 on a Friday Night in New York City

2006-10-06T20:30:00.000-04:00

1. You're a stockbroker and while losing your 20's and early 30's to corporate devils, you are being paid handsomely.

2. You're an entertainer - Your job just began or won't begin for another 2-3 hours, so you're just getting your morning coffee/evening drink.

3. Your boss is not a boss, but a psycho and is holding you at gunpoint (not a pleasant reason, but a good excuse to sit tight and not make any sudden moves).

4. You're a nighttime sitting human statue.

5. You play the part of FDR in an early show of play and your stage entrance is exactly at 8:30 p.m. on Friday.

6. You're waiting for DVD's of a reality show to burn so they can be shipped to the entertainment capital of the world and have nothing better to do but make up lists and stare out the window at a bustling city - bustling without you that is - and dream of all the people out there shakin' their booties, eating fine cuisine, marrying your future wife thus destroying your lineage while you sit and stare at a digital readout of DVD creation progress and wait for it to finish.

*NOTE: #6 may not be a great reason.

Come On Feel The Majesty Snowbird

2006-10-05T10:57:00.000-04:00

photo credit

As the months roll on, Old Man Winter stirs in his slumber waiting to awake, while Middle Aged Man Autumn has arrived large and in charge. When my thoughts draw to the cooler months I'm reminded of holidays, namely Christmas. And when I think of Christmas, I'm reminded of sleighbells, snow, and fat bearded men (I also think of fat bearded men when I think of pirates and square dances). I also think of none other than Sufjan Stevens, who has masterfully been cranking out great sounds for a while now, some very reminiscent of December 25th, the birth of Lord, and also the day an imaginary fat man in red comes down your chimney (very different than the day a REAL fat man in red comes down your chimney - that is the day of Red Dawn 2: They're Back...And They're Fat).

Another great thing that happens in the latter seasons of the year, namely Fall, is that bands take their shows on the road. This past weekend I saw Sufjan play one of his three shows at Town Hall in NYC. I'm happy to report it was awesome.

Sufjan has managed to recraft arrangements of his already wildly instrumented songs performing with an 8 piece string section, plus the already present horns, bells, banjos, and guitars to create an incredibly full, dreamlike sound. And since we've been talking so much about the winter months, I'm pleased to offer you an early Christmas gift. Head on over to Ryspace to get a full download of one of the weekend's live sets (there's a full set with appluase and banter, and a tighter track by track listing). This is my second offering of Sufjan holiday gifting to you in the past year. And I'm just regifting from other's sites, much like virtual fruitcake or bad sweaters - passing on what others gave to me (which is much better than fruitcake or a Faded Glory original).

I attended the Sunday show, which was packed out and a great time. It was truly an experience hearing the songs and seeing Sufjan and the Butterfly Brigade band come out in butterfly costumes and flood the air with thick sweet sounds of symphony. During "The Man Of Metropolis Steels Our Hearts" and "That Was The Worst Xmas Ever" people came through the crowd tossing out inflatable mascots - Superman's for "Metropolis" and Santa's for "Xmas". People hit them around like beach balls during the songs and you can hear the dolls squeaking and people laughing on the those tracks. Thanks to Ryspace and Brooklyn Vegan - 2 great music blogs - for the news on the shows and the track listings. Also, head over to Asthmatic Kitty to check out more Christmas themed news with more Sufjan Christmas albums on the way (CHRISTMAS IS COMING - YOU CANNOT ESCAPE IT).

Enjoy.

Don't Quote The Reaper

2006-09-26T00:39:00.000-04:00

This morning during my commute on my beloved 1 train I was doing my usual Monday check-in with my fellow New Yorkers while standing pressed firmly betwixt them. (”Morning everyone...it's Monday...How were your weekends? Mine was fine, saw a movie, did some laundry, but don’t worry, I missed this crowded train, burying my face in your back, Man-in-Suit. Don't feel left out, Dominican-Youth, I longed to hear the tinny Reggaeton blasting from your earbuds and your too-loud iPod. And you, Wet-Behind-The-Ears-Blonde-Kappa-Delta-turned-Publishing-Hound, I missed sharing awkward stares with you as well as you manhandle that bagel.”)

In the fray of all this catch up, my eyes turned to tragedy. I noticed a roughed out tattoo on a man's forearm. It was a picture of the grim reaper, draped in his black robe and wielding that ominous scythe, staring at me with fiery piercing eyes. With his hand and one bony finger outstretched, he pointed to me menacingly, delivering a message of doom. This message, coincidently, appeared on a parchment banner below the feared reaper (Blue Oyster Cult, I'm sorry, but I FEAR him, I can’t help it):

"YOUR NEXT"

Wait...uh, does that mean I'm gonna die..or is he talking about "my" next (whatever that would be)? Because he clearly wasn't saying "YOU'RE NEXT". "YOUR NEXT" is what was written on the banner o' doom.

Now, as funny as this grammatical malfunction is, I feel a little bad for my fellow train buddy. Because without some seriously painful laser surgery, or some seriously diligent Sharpie work, that reaper - and that guy's arm - are forever marked with this faux pas, this confused message: Your Next....YOUUUUR NEXT!!!

It’s sort of like Dan Quayle’s misspelling embarrassment of 1992. The whole nation laughed at our former Vice President and it was forever burned into the annals of history (however, correctly spelled). But at least he just wrote his word on the chalk board and “Potatoe” isn’t emblazoned on his forearm. On a parchment banner. Below a skeletal potato. Holding a scythe. In a grim reaper outfit. Now that’d just be ridiculous all around.

This whole ordeal makes me thankful for spellcheck. As I’ve typed this I’ve misspelled no less than 37 words (I may not be able to spell...but I can count like Rain Man on ritalin!!). But my mistakes last no longer, because that cute/horrible animated paper clip in Microsoft Word fixed my mistakes for me. And he picks up grammatical errors too. Still, it’s easy to miss the “Your/You’re” combo – but a one two punch of proofreading & Paper Clip Word Assistant, and we get the job done – high five Paper Clip! Oh...you don’t have hands, just a little metal arm...yeah, a positive nod of the head suffices...good job, bud. Whew...awkward.

If only there was a way prevent these mishaps with permanent flesh art. That’s it – new challenge Bill Gates and Microsoft team! Come up with a spellchecker for the sultans of skin art! Save future generations of punks, thugs, tipsy girls on spring break (whoooa! I want a dolphin on the small of my back too! Jello shots!), and other tattoo buyers loads of embarrassment! Don’t back down Bill...I’m counting on you. Your our only hope.

Article Man, Article Man

2006-09-18T23:34:00.000-04:00

Recently I wrote an article for The Haven's blog as part of their Haven Guide article series. The article is about the ever torturous "day job", and it's more fun than a sack full of taffy and monkeys. The Haven is a group of Christian artists in New York City that I'm involved with, and they're good people. If you're interested, go to The Haven website and read the article here.

And if you've linked over here from The Haven website, welcome stranger. Read away.

And if you're linking back and forth and pass people coming here as you go there in cyber space, give a cyber high five to each other and become friends.

Baby Baby

2006-08-23T00:53:00.000-04:00

About 7 weeks ago, our country celebrated the 230th anniversary of it's independence. Where were you? Blowing your hand off with fireworks? Rockin' out to a Boss CD with Born In The USA? Dressing up like George Washington and biting people with wooden teeth?

Well, I'll tell you one thing you WEREN'T doing. Having a baby! (Ok, there's a slim chance you were. If so, congratulations, you proved me wrong, and more importantly, congratulations on your new baby! That's awesome! Way to go! How is it, healthy? Sleeping alright?) Even if you were doing that last thing, I'll tell you something definitely weren't doing - BEING BORN. That's right, if you're reading this, you definitely weren't being born. Unless you're a super-genius baby.

Well just as that fateful day, July 4th, 2006, was breaking into history, history was being made in a big way. My sister was giving birth and my brand new niece was born. Boom.

Now I feel kinda bad for it taking me 7 weeks to post this news here. I mean, I'm a busy man, but let's be honest, 7 weeks is a while. It's not like I have to shoot baskets with Patrick Ewing every night, and after a while, even I need a night away from the ladies (sorry Scarlett, we talked about this...yes, yes we did. Stop, stop pouting! Don't give me that look. Youuuuuu, stop! Look, I said..I know, but - No! What?! That's crazy! Ok look - LISTEN, stop! Ok, we'll talk about this after I post this).

So to make up for my tardiness, I decided to make a birth announcement video introducing you all to my beautiful new niece, Caroline. She is the sweetest, cutest baby in the world (sorry lady, your baby's cute but there can only be one), and she deserves an announcement of grand proportions. Sit back, get out your hanky, and enjoy.

Man, that was FUNK-TASTIC! Watch out world because the girl is here. Caroline, show them one more picture of you that will melt their hearts, and possibly their faces, with extreme cuteness:

Oh yeah, that's the one.

Congratulations Ashley and Alan!

Blonde Ambition

2006-08-03T19:24:00.000-04:00

I saw a girl on the subway today wearing a shirt that read, "Life Is Better Blonde".

This girl was a Brunette.

I didn't know what to do, laugh or feel sorry for her. I mean, here she is, proclaiming that life is more fun, nay, more fulfilling, as a blonde - something she IS NOT. Did she know? She must have. Had she just given up? Probably. I mean, poor girl! Look at yourself!

I was felt pretty good about my situation in life - until I looked down at my "White People Suck" shirt.

To alleviate the embarrassment, I buried my face in my new book - which happened to be "Women Are From Venus, Men Are From The Pits of Hades And Should Go Back There Forever". I stand corrected.

Sunday Funnies

2006-07-24T23:59:00.000-04:00

If you happen to be out Sunday morning on your way to church or breakfast, (or if you're simply stumbling home from a long night of gettin' freaky to some R. Kelly tracks in some ridiculous club) stop by the UCB Theatre and catch part of the 8th Annual Del Close Marathon. The DCM is a 72 hour long improv marathon that takes place every summer at the UCB Theatre with teams from all over performing continuously all weekend in 30 minute slots. Here's the list of the performing teams below:

And if you look a little closer on that list you see....

So on your way to worship or eat (or on your way to crashing in your bed after desecrating your ears and dignity with club tunes like "Beep Beep, Who Got The Keys To The Jeep") come see some hilarious sunrise improv. Because everything's funny at 7AM. No, really.

Notes From The Daily Grind

2006-07-19T16:41:00.000-04:00

Note 1: Due to lack of mug washing, every time i take a sip of tea from my mug at work, I get a whiff of old tea and sour milk. It's like kissing an old British sailor every 3 1/2 minutes. "Tally Ho, James! Ok....back off."

Note 2: I watched a raw, uncut water birthing from footage from one of the maternity shows at work. I didn't realize it was raw, unedited footage until someone said, "Oh look, there's the head!". And then I realized, they don't put those shots on TV. Unless I am unknowingly working for very very different network than I thought.

Note 3: While watching footage of people experiencing fine dining , a man exlaimed, "I love the versatility of the crabcake!" I feel this man's excitement. If I could only find crabcakes versatile enough to match the widley varied occasions, my social circles, and outfits at my disposal, I'd be a happier man. All my crabcakes are so one-sided. I mean, my goodness - we can put 4 hours of video and 10,0000 songs in our pockets, but we can barely make a versatile crabcake. Weep for yourself, human race. Weep.

Let's Make A Deal

2006-06-27T00:12:00.000-04:00

Tonight on the way home on the subway, I sat across from a guy wearing a shirt that read this:

Power Does Not Make Deals
Power Does Not Need To Make Deals
Power Does What It Wants

Although from his look, I would guess this man's name was probably something like John. Not Power.

John had to get that shirt somehow. And although he was sort of big and wearing Air Jordan's and a knee brace, I'm sure he had to make some sort of deal, possibly with a store, to get that shirt. Therefore:

John Makes Deals.
John Makes Deals With Men's Retail Clothing Outlets For A Living.
John Makes Use Of His Currency By Trading It For Clothing He Wants At Foot Locker.

Good job John. Powerful.

Baby's First Birthday

2006-06-26T11:45:00.000-04:00

Saturday was my one year anniversary of living in NYC (my NewYorkiversary as some friends deemed it). I celebrated with a traditional New York diner standard: an Egg Cream. An Egg Cream actually has neither eggs nor cream in it - just seltzer, chocolate syrup, and milk. It's a weird, carbonated Yoo Hoo.

So I enjoyed it alongside what I like to call a Turkey Roll - neither turkey nor a roll, but just oatmeal, raisins, and brown sugar. That's right New York. Two can play at that game.

Bringin' The Heat

2006-06-20T10:20:00.000-04:00

It is officially Summer in New York City and this weekend Mother Nature put her gloves on, and punched New Yorkers in the face with the Summer heat. I was no exception.

Above: Mother Nature connects with a left hook of 91 degrees.

Affirmative Big Mac-tion

2006-06-10T15:29:00.000-04:00

With new salads, parfaits, and beverage options, McDonalds is differentiating their menu and changing the image of the American fast food shrine. And they're holding to their diversity policy and hiring from all ethnicities. But come on McDonald's - we get it, you hire from all races. You don't need to brag every time you add another ethnic member to the team. Just sell food.

Mastication Inspiration

2006-06-08T11:35:00.001-04:00

My jaw was killing me at work yesterday and I thought I might have TMJ. For those unaware, TMJ is a group of disorders that affect the upper joints of your jaw causing you major pain. I also don't know what TMJ actually stands for.

Now I don't really have TMJ, but I need something to think about at work and when you get a sharp pain every time you chew, that seems to stick out. I've also been talking to a friend in the show development department at work. Combining my lack or medical knowledge for the meaning of TMJ (and my apparent laziness of just Googling "TMJ") with my mind racing for some entertaining show ideas, here is what TMJ could stand for - if it were a mediocre tv series.

They Might be Jiants – Story of a Small Band Forced Into the Shadows Because Another Band Spelled Giants With A ‘G’ and Got Famous
THE Michael Jackson – From Moonwalk to Child Stalk
Talk, Mrs. Jeston – Investigating A Space Age Cartoon Murder
Torn Meniscus, Junior - A High School Soccer Career in Danger
Terry, Marge, Jessica – Charlie’s New Angels, With Surprisingly Normal Names
Tiki Masala Jamboree! – Down Home In New Dehli
Toxic Mayonaise Jam – Killer Condiment Parties
Taiwanese Michael Jordan – Like a Bull in a China Shop (Actually in China)
Telly May Jump - Savalas Contemplates Suicide
Tackling My Jesuit – Football With a Monk
Totally Magic Johnson - Hosted By a Man Who's Certain of NBA Great's Identities
The Molasses Junction - The Slowest Train in the West
Tequila, Mars, Jupiter - Distinguishing Planets From Liquor
Tim McGraw’s Journal – Like It, Love It, Read More Of It or Things I Hate
About Faith Hill But Can’t Tell Anyone
Too Many Javelins – When Track and Field Teams Overpack
Tea Meets Juice! – War At The Breakfast Table
Tea Mauls Juice! – War At the Breakfast Table: The Aftermath
Twelve Meals in July – How To Lose Weight By Eating One Day A Week
Tell Mr. Jeeves - When You're Sick of Asking Him

Take Notice

2006-06-06T15:40:00.000-04:00

I just had a moment of clarity.

I am sitting at my desk eating an organic vegan microwaveable shepherd's pie while working on a reality tv wedding show for a style oriented channel.

Sometimes you see your choices in the flesh and they give pause. I'm not saying I thought I'd be a cage fighter or anything, but the above sentence sounds like a letter home from the front lines of the Martha Stewart Youth Army.

Now I'm depressed. I'm gonna go eat some quiche.

Get In The Ring

2006-05-22T00:19:00.000-04:00

This week my improv group Chantico Warfare competes in CAGEMATCH at the UCB Theatre. Oh yes, blood will flow. The blood will be improvised however, so you can't see it, it will be mimed and hopefully it'll make you laugh. If you ever wanted to catch a plane to New York and vote for us to win at an improv competition, this would be the week to do it.

In other gettin'-in-the-ring news, I completed a mission that has been in my heart since Mrs. Phister's 5th grade class at Wesley Chapel Elementary - I witnessed a live Guns N' Roses show last week. It was pretty amazing.

Five Finger Salute

2006-05-11T01:56:00.000-04:00

So I've been away for awhile. I haven't kept up with the blog. And it's been a little bit. My mom even sent me an email the other day asking when I was gonna update it. Well World, I've had stuff to do. Like grow a beard. And break my cell phone. And read an entire book. And work out. And dance on the same dance floor as Tom Hank's offspring, thus giving me one miniscule degree of separation from Big star, Tom Hanks. (Note: these events actually occurred - except reading an entire book and working out.)

So I've been busy. But I won't say I haven't missed posting here. If I had my way, I'd be posting on this everyday. Actually, if I had my way, I'd get my wives Scarlett Johansson and Zooey Deschanel to post on it for me. Yeah that's right, if I had my way, I'd be a Mormon with fantasy actress wives, what's it to you? No, no, no. But I do wish I could post more frequently. This trend of not posting means I'm missing out on good, quality, uh, posting time, but it also means I'm missing out on cool things going on out there. I'm missing so much because of my "things to do"! Your birthday? Missed it. This season's 24? Missed it. The astronomical rise of gas prices? Well, I wouldn't say I'm missing that....HAHAHA (in all seriousness though, I couldn't have picked a better time to move to a city built on cheap public transportation...score!).

But as I perused the internet tonight and delved into some links on Rob Douglas' blog, I realized I missed a holiday I really would've enjoyed. And now I feel the loss, and hear the sound of one hand clapping - and sadly, not two as they swing towards each other. I'll take this as a gentle reminder to be more mindful and you should too. Next year, it's on.

Simple Economics

2006-04-21T01:10:00.000-04:00

Things have been really busy lately and I haven't had time to write anything on the ol' blog. I've been working a good bit, have had to make time for a persistent sore throat, and travelled home recently to see my family and friends for Easter. Which brings back memories of the last time I saw my parents before Easter. We all went to a casino together after leaving my sister's. Because the family that plays together....

Stays together.

(And hopefully finds other ways to "stay" together without becoming compulsive gamblers as we grow old together. Mom and dad, don't get too comfortable near that slot machine. Meanwhile I was in the back bargaining with an elderly woman trying to give her imported cosmetics and perscription drugs in exchange for her winning Keno card. This downward spiral happens so fast....we should just take up Go-Karting.)

April (Snow) Showers and Possible Riders On The Horizon

2006-04-05T11:34:00.000-04:00

It is pouring snow in Manhattan right now, three days after our gorgeous Sunday that filled Central Park with blankets, soccer balls, and frisbees. Oh yeah and people. Not just random toys and cloth items.

It's not too surprising to see the snow pour down - a friend told me Sunday that we should expect a cold snap right after the Spring weather. But it is strangely intriguing the way the events are happening.

For instance, today is April 5th, 2006. Seems normal, huh? No no, good sir. You see if you look at the numbers, you'll see today's date is 04/05/06 - it's sequential. But that's not all. Twice today the clocks will turn to 1:02 and 3 seconds. Making the complete date:

01:02:03 04/05/06

SPOOKY!

This phenomenom has garnered some attention already. What's more interesting to me are the events occuring today with this time spectacle (although even a lightswitch working is more interesting to me than my job today). Before the sky rained down it's magical cloud cotton, it donned it's most ominous face and reigned over New York like this:

*from this guy's Flickr photostream. He looks like Jason Dill.

Also, when I sat down to write this post the time on my computer read 11:34. For those paying attention, that's the ominous time on a digital alarm clock when you can turn the clock upside down and it reads "hEll". SPOOKY! Of course, this also happens if your clock currently displays any time with an upside down spelling of the word "HELL" beside it. If that is your case, get a new clock. Today.

I get a little antsy and think about the apocalypse with all these weird occurances. However I don't think the apocalypse is happening today (I'm pretty sure that guy on a horse with a hooded black robe in the office today is a temp. Oh, he just slayed a man with his sicle. Yikes). However, if there are any signs of the apocalypse present today they could be found in our media. Last weekend's biggest grossing movie? Ice Age: The Meltdown. Sounds in line with today's events to me. But that's not that big of a deal. What really gets me is the two that tied for the #10 biggest grossing films splitting an even $7.4 million: Basic Instinct 2 and Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector.

We're all gonna die.

That's Racin!

2006-04-04T15:30:00.000-04:00

Recently Marshall told me I was due for a NASCAR post. I have a long history with NASCAR. I grew up in beautiful Charlotte, NC, the home of the new NASCAR explosion, Bank of America, and one-time resident and original Charlotte Hornet Muggsy Bogues. When I was a child, every Sunday my dad would tape the NASCAR race that would run for 4 to 5 hours while he worked in the yard and drank unsweetened ice tea (a blasphemy in the South, but my parents are from Texas, where they don't necessarily sweeten it - maybe it's somehow "bigger" that way since Texans love big stuff). I remember going to the track when I was a kid and seeing large men exist on the concrete bleachers (they don't sit, they just exist there) and toss discarded Bojangles' chicken bones down to the lower bleachers. You just dodged them, it was normal (and necessary - you don't want to get hit with a chewing-tobacco-saliva soaked cajun spiced bone - although that sounds like it could be a new flavor...). I think my dad likes NASCAR the same way I like skateboarding. I like going to races with him. I've seen him get giddy and walk fast ahead of us at the race, totally caught up in the action, the same way I will sit for an hour or more and watch skateboarders do flatland tricks at Union Square in New York. (And now I'm thinking about the skate videos I saw Union Square in while I was growing up. Man, I love skateboarding.)

NASCAR came full circle for me a couple years ago. I used my top 25 university degree as an entrance into the world of film as a Production Assistant in Charlotte (and you don't have to have any sort of degree to do a Production Assistant's job - you just have to be smart enough to, say, beat a rock in chess. No, checkers. Even easier). Three and a half years of getting water for Dale Jr., holding a light meter in front of Kurt Busch, and being a stand in for Michael Waltrip and Sterlin Marlin (and one time I got to drive Lance Armstrong to the airport, and I also got to be in a Petey Pablo video this other time!!! Total gangsta!!). All in all, it was almost four years in the trenches of film and TV commercials mostly involving NASCAR, and although sometimes some of it feels like time wasted, I had a lot of cool experiences. I worked with some big time directors and cinematographers, learned about a film set, and had some good times with friends (and I was in a PETEY PABLO video!!! PETEY PABLO!!! It was shown on the GRAMMY'S!!! GOODNESS SAKES!!). Those years in production also gave me my first shots at some TV exposure. Like my Oscar winning role in the 2005 UPS NASCAR commercials as "Pit Crew Guy With Moustache". (Note: I lost the Oscar to Clooney for Syriana. Hack. Oh, and, the moustache is real.)

Really, that picture brings me more full circle than I thought. All my life growing up my dad had a full moustache and was into NASCAR. And in this picture I totally embody that - very full stache and very much NASCAR. Like father like son. Now I just need a picture of my dad on a skateboard with a Sufjan shirt on.

Piggybacking on my rave success as Pit Crew Swashbuckler Guy, this week I have my first TV job in New York as talent. Thursday I will shoot an episode of Date Night on AMC as a "Dater". That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm on a dating show. But this one's different, it's more talking about movies and commenting on them with a date, than hot tubbing and salsa dancing in a pre-make out dance of the singles. Whew. The show airs Monday April 24th at 8PM EST. Oh, and the movie we'll be watching - Rambo: First Blood. That is way tough. I should've kept that moustache.

Vatican II: Electric Boogaloo

2006-03-30T09:14:00.000-05:00

I think we need more positive creative forms of worship within the Church. For those of you outside the Church - meaning not Christian or non-religious - who think this doesn't really concern you, I challenge you to revisit chlidhood and think back to all those times you visited youth group with your religious friends and had to sit through another sign language presentation set to a Steven Curtis Chapman song. I'm not saying we need fire breathing pastors (literally, not figuratively - we've accomplished that for better and for worse), but I welcome some genuine, authentic creativity in the way people relate to God. That being said, humans are subjective and I'm going to love this example more than I'll love someone speaking-in-tongues-juggle-painting. Plus, I love breakdancing.

Watch how the Pope blesses these guys with the wave of his hand, as if to say, "Bounce with me, bouce with me....I'ma da Popa....Big Popa...".

View this clip on Vimeo

Don't Get Pinched

2006-03-17T09:07:00.000-05:00

Especially not by this guy. 'Cause from what I've seen in Lep 1, 2, 3, and 5* (Leprechaun In The Hood #1), it will NOT be good. Best bet is to keep a stock of shoes close that you can throw at him to divert him from killing you for trying to get his gold...the same method that Jennifer Aniston and her co-stars used in Lep 1.

Stay green.

Happy St. Patty's Day.

(*I missed 4, Lep in Space, but heard it was fantastically ridiculous, especially when Lep grows 10 times his size to a giant Lep. Hilarity, and terror, ensues. Shout outs to Miles reminiscing our year spent together in Bozeman exploring the Lep anthology.)

Thus Begineth The Journey To Indy

2006-03-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

March Madness is upon us. And I for one am STOKED*. The Men's NCAA tournament is always amazing and is quite possibly the most exciting display of heart, emotion, and genuine excitement in televised sports. "Wait a minute, wait a minute, Cory, that's quite a statment, I mean...what about, uh, did you see that Super Bowl game this year.....?" Exactly.

March Madness has everything - artistry of sport, last second victories, upsets - OH THE UPSETS!, men and women from the ages of 18 - 22 caked in ridiculous face paint, and more drum majors, "We're #1!" foam fingers, and catchy school spirit posters spelling out the call letters of a national TV network than you could ever want. And, when this joyous time has passed (and trust me, it will happen in the blink of an eye), we're treated to what gets me through every next coming year - the ONE SHINING MOMENT music video montage shown after the final game ("....The ball is tipped...and theeeeere you are....you're running for your life....", oh man I'm salivating)!! Interesting fact, one year when I lived in Montana and didn't have TV access I actually got my friend Yountz back in North Carolina to tape One Shining Moment for me. People, I LOVE THAT SWEET ANTHEM OF GRACE. I have actually teared up to it before. I want my wedding video set to that song. And I will bounce pass a ring to my wife and then cut her veil like a championship net.

Yes, March Madness is here all right, and I am pretty freakin' excited. It's all around you. And speaking of that, to get into the spirit of the best sporting contest of the year, some New York Duke fans erected a giant inflatable replica of their favorite head coach today, right here in the city:

Happy Braketing.

GO HEELS!!

*This guy is more stoked on T-Rex's than basketball and is possibly jacked up on this.

Extreme Head Makeovers

2006-03-08T23:33:00.000-05:00

Recently I got a haircut. Two weeks ago, in an attempt to recreate our oh-so-tantalizing headshots, Zach's dad took this shot, pre-haircut. Mmmmmm, tasty.

Now I look like this:

That's kinda extreme. I actually look more like this:

That's TO THE EXTREME. More like this:

That's just EXTREME.

Brrrrrrrrrrr

2006-02-27T13:11:00.000-05:00

It is really cold in New York City right now.

Go Get Filthy Dirty With Funny

2006-02-22T16:27:00.000-05:00

This week is the 6th Annual Dirty South Improv Festival in Chapel Thrill, NC. Unfortunately, I won't make it to the fest this year, but it holds a special place in my juiced up improv heart. DSI was started by some old Comedy Sportz Chapel Hill friends and has been going strong, gaining steam over the past couple years, much like the popularity of Milli Vanilli in a hypercolor shirt in 1992. DSIF is also the first place I really started pursuing long form improv, when I attended last year's festival, which led me to eventually move to the NYC and study at the UCBT.

If you're in the Chapel Hill area this weekend, do yourself a favor and go see some shows (and go take a shower too, you bum. We don't pay you to come in looking like that.). Check the DSIF website for schedules and show locations. The freestyle rap battle (for which I hold last year's second place title, sucka) is tomorrow night and anyone can sign up for it via email (festival@dirtysouthimprov.com), so go flex your skillz homeboy. It's a great festival that hosts over 400 improvisers from all over the US and you can see some darn good improv. Some recommendations are the UCB Theatre team, The Beatbox, The Reckoning (oh good goodness go see The Reckoning - AMAZING), Show Pony, and The Bat (improv with the lights out...spooooooky). Here's a write up in the Herald Sun about the festival and it has a full schedule at the bottom.

And if you do make it to Chapel Hill, do a few things for me: go to Pepper's, get a black olive and feta slice with a salad, go to the Cat's Cradle and see a punk show and climb on stage and sing the lyrics without getting your nose broken afterwards, run through a sorority house screaming "Panty Raid" and when you're detained by campus police claim you were shouting "Fannie Mae" hailing your newfound stock success, drive over to Duke and slap Wojo and look at Reddick and say, "This is you in eight years", drive back, sprint through the quad and high five Roy Williams, and then wrap your arms around Davie Poplar tree and say, "Hey there big fella. I've missed you. And my arms have grown since I left since I'm wrapping them around you now."

Jungle Boogie

2006-02-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

Lately I've talked about how funny monkey's are , and after seeing this ad this morning I'm convinced that singing animals are pretty hilarious as well. Especially when they're throwing an all night party in the jungle with Lionel Richie as their soundtrack. Personal highlight is the mouse that belts out "WHOA-OH!". Genius. That being said, putting this product in your body cannot be good for you.

Sweet Sweet Love

2006-02-14T08:27:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

View this clip on Vimeo

Goin' Ape

2006-02-09T12:33:00.000-05:00

One of my current projects at work right now is updating the Human Resources Happenings bulletin board so people in the office will know we're doing lots of things. I'm sure my additions will not turn many heads for two reasons: #1.) No one sees the board. Due to its horribly inconspicuous location, the first time I'd seen the HR Happenings board in the four months I've worked at the office was the other day when someone walked me over to it and showed me - in an area I pass through everyday and have remained blind to said board up until now. Reason #2.) I work for a corporate construction company - most people here care only about building skyscrapers, chewing nails, and arm wrestling.

Still, designing the new "happenin's" for the board has been the most fun and fulfilling task I've worked on in my entire career with this job. It's a little easier to infuse some creativity into work while using a design powerhouse like Microsoft Word (Yay! Autoshapes!) than into a task like filing or data entry (I have tried to creatively do those while dancing Bollywood style, but have been shut down each time by co-workers -- racists). One of my creative challenges to myself for designing the board was to put a picture of a monkey on something because monkeys are, well, hilarious. I accomplished my goal in the first piece I finished, about an upcoming financial seminar we'll be hosting. Here's the basic gist:

Proud of my first efforts, I was inspired to find more pictures of monkeys on the internet (thought I was gonna say "inspired to design another flyer and do more work didn't ya? - wellllll, not yet.). Here's a sampling of what I found:

This monkey is smoking. The James Dean of monkeys. The coolest at the zoo.

A monkey pleased with a job well done. Probably taken years ago when monkeys only used typewriters.

Oh man. Stage monkey. Rock monkey. And in all truth, whatever this monkey is playing, it's probably better than any Puddle of Mudd song.

This monkey is afraid of the Euro and the ever growing formation of the EU. Or he may be shocked and embarassed about his bad sweater.

Monkey mistaking a wooden railing for a piano.

The monkey you picked on in high school. Well, that monkey invented Linux and is now married to a supermodel. Way to go dude. By the way, this monkey is also wearing a hoodie and a chain with his glasses. Just wanted to point that out.

Shhhh. It's ok. Be strong, Beagle. Be strong. Hey, I bet that guy behind us wishes he could be held by a monkey friend too. But you know what? I'm here for you. For you, Beagle. C'mon - let's go play outside. You can run and bark, and I'll screech and throw my own poop. You'll feel better.

LET GO OF MY DOG!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Score! They've got Dunston Checks In at Netflix! Okay, Monday night, don't make any plans....no, I don't care if Space Odyssey is more "dignified", Dunston is funny.

Oh man, monkeys are FUNNY. Seriously though, this picture is possibly the cutest picture I have ever seen. Stare at it for 10 seconds - it is impossible not to smile, tear up, and gorge yourself with a pint of Ben & Jerry's to drive away the adorableness of it.

C'MON. 10 SECONDS. JUST STARE. SOOOO CUTE.

For more monkey fun, check out Super Bowl ad makers, CareerBuilder.com's website. Rob Douglas showed me this and it is genius. They have a monk-e-mail program where you can send talking monkey emails to your friends - or enemies. What better way to confuse an enemy than to send them a message from a monkey. And what better way to tell the love of your life you're completely devoted than to do it through a monkey. Pretty much, I think several world problems would go away if we used more monkey tactics. You can't take things so seriously that way. It's impossible. Really, think if every member of Congress was assigned a personal monkey to sit beside him or her in all meetings, just staring at the other deleagates (and monkey delegates). After a while, posturing, arguing, and fighting would be useless. Monkeys would be drinking water out of pitchers, scribbling on things, doing backflips, and doing that thing where they laugh and roll their lips back to show their teeth. Monkeys would make a stronger America. That's it, I'm starting my campaign. In 2008...

ROCK THE VOTE!

You Might Be An Actor If....

2006-02-08T16:23:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I have my first ever commercial audition. It is for a chewing gum commercial and I'm supposed to show up dressed like a "factory worker" - like a blue collar guy.

I will walk into the audition room looking like this:

I'll let you know how it goes.

Brokeback Subway

2006-02-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

This morning I got on the 8:30 subway to Times Square. Even though that's only 20 minutes later than my normal train, it is exponentially more crowded. As I transferred to the express train, I was enveloped in a sea of black coats as everyone crowded and pressed in closer than sardines, tight enough to make a spelunker claustrophobic. Would be passengers tried to muscle their way into the train until the doors did a reverse open-sesame and saved us from others trying to tighten our ride forward. Everyone was a little annoyed, sighing and resituating themselves to find extra pockets of space between each other, when a thug type guy beside me announced aloud, chuckling through a tough New York thug accent:

"I actually felt gay for a second there. I was all pressed up against a dude. Ha ha...."

Oh, Brooklyn Bound 2 Express Train... I wish I knew how to quit you.

Things I ACTUALLY Said To My Boss At The End Of Today As I Wished Her A Pleasant Upcoming Vacation

2006-02-03T22:53:00.000-05:00

The following said with true well meaning yet filled with the awkwardness typical of office conversations

"Well have a good time....OOOOHHH, I'm so excited for you! Wow...have a good time."

and...

"Sun it up!"

Sun it up? Sun it up. Man..... Yep, sun it up, alright.

A Shot In The Head

2006-01-31T16:11:00.000-05:00

I'm in a commercial auditioning class right now that is over tonight. The class has been a lot of fun. I'm taking it with two friends and we make up three of the four comedy actors in the class, so we spend a lot of time cutting up and laughing (note: cutting up brings back an instant memory of Uncle Joey from Full House doing his famous "Cut. It. OUT!" bit. Pure comedy gold). Lucky for us, the women that run the class are hilarious and don't seem to mind. Last week, while reading ad copy as a character I deemed as "Redneck On A Jog", I got the compliment (?) from the casting directors who run the class that I had kind of a Gary Busey thing going on. Fortunately this was just with my character and not with myself because I think Gary Busey is literally insane, the kind of insane that he'd take you in the desert and stand on a dune with you, put his hand on your shoulder and compliment you on what you have as "the stuff of a man....You're really tough and I think you're gonna go some places. This world needs guys like you...". Then he'd look deep into your eyes with that wily Gary Busey insane stare for about 3o seconds breathing steadily and heavy. Then he'd turn around as if to walk away from you before - BAM! - spinning around and almost jabbing you in the stomach but stopping short. "Gotcha!" he'd say with a crazy smile. Then he'd really punch you and leave you for dead in said desert.

So I'm glad that's not my "thing" for commercial acting, or for life in general.

Tonight we do our audition reading in front of two commercial agents that could result in possibly getting one of them as an agent (or maybe as a date if they're lonely). In typical putting-things-off-til'-a-later-time mode (and not to mention I-can't-afford-things-aside-from-my-rent-and-weekly-facial mode...whoops, secret's out), I figured if I got an agent out of the class, I'd get the actor necessities later and acquire headshots so I could actually go audition at some point. Headshots tend to be expensive, so for now they were out of the question, at least for a couple months. Until last week when one of the women that runs the class announced, "Next week bring three headshots and resumes for the agents!" After some scrambling, me and my friend Zach made plans to do shots with a friend who's trying to get more photography under her belt. Score.

As I've learned in my life of procrastination and last minute situations (which I've slyly manipulated into use now with improv comedy - it fits doesn't it?), when you are squeezed into a situation you just have to make due. So Sunday, Zach, Joanna, and I burned through seventy shots of film on a roof in the pouring rain with about 45 minutes of daylight left. Thank you Joanna.

Joanna usually likes to have her subjects listen to music while she shoots them to lighten the mood but due to dead boombox batteries, we were relegated to a tiny speaker attached to my iPod and a playlist of two songs, one being George Michael's "Freedom '90". Of course.

And tonight, we'll break a leg. And if we don't get signed, it might be the agent's. So watch out....

Shooting in the rain. Note the iPod boombox so loud that Zach has to hold his ear.

Good To Know

2006-01-27T16:55:00.000-05:00

Often when I wait for the subway I think about two things: where's that rat going, and what would I do if I fell on the tracks? The second question has caused me to come up with a few well thought out plans of escape. It's good to see that at least one of them works.

Germ Warfare

2006-01-27T08:56:00.000-05:00

This morning on the subway I got hot due to all the layers I had on (and due to a general overload of my machismo and masculinity). So I took off one glove but I left the other one on. My reasoning - it will serve as a germ barrier between me and all I touch in public commuter spaces.

My mind flashed back to last night when I was in a small public bathroom and had nowhere to put my gloves down so I held them in my mouth. Bad move.

So this was in my mouth:

Let's zoom in further:

Oh man. I need some Listerine. With bleach.

Meanderings and Wanderings Of The Day

2006-01-25T11:46:00.000-05:00

Hey there, happy Hump Day, welcome to Wednesday, the official middle of the week. The week is chugging along chuggingly as the week goes on and New York reaches warmer temperatures this Winter. Maybe we should make a theme of it and take lessons from these guys.

I ate breakfast this morning had my monotony broken up by a hardcore anti-smoking commercial where a surgeon puts a brain on a table and cuts it in half like a Subway sandwich while a voiceover runs about how smoking causes blood clots. It cut to a close up of the brain being cut in half by the surgeon sandwich artist and as blood started to run out of a single spot the blood clot fell out. I stared at it with this look of horror on my face holding my banana and jelly breakfast sandwich. I actually screamed out, "Oh man!". It really stressed me out so I had to step outside and have a smoke. Which made me think of strokes and stressed me again. After a second cigarette, I came back inside and got ready to leave for work. The image of the Subway Brain Deluxe on wheat is now forever burned on my brain.

It's been a lazy day here, I've checked up on the news, etc. I love living in a city where people spend time making and building things just amuse others. And by the way, if you haven't downloaded Google Earth yet, it's a great way to explore, spy, and kill time. Unfortunately their Mac version isn't backdated to my un-Tiger-riffic version of Mac OS X. I ride the slow Panther.

Today at work I went to a lunch program on "Stress and Balancing Your Life Accordingly". I ordered the food for the event and decided to go. All in all, it ended up being an ok talk, a lot of positive thinking stuff, but hey, free turkey pastrami wrap, and a brownie and chips (which had trans fats in them, which caused stress about heart healthiness, so - cigarette #3 - this one in the building, so more stress about getting caught - voila - smoked two more at once). Highlights in the seminar: A chair fell over with a loud crash and the presenter said quitely, "It's only stressful if we choose to stress about it". And, speaking on why guilt can sometimes be a good motivator in accomplishing life goals (but eventually falls shorter than positive methods): "Guilt can be a good thing. It makes you not do certain things...like for instance I'm not going to go out and....steal everyone's newborn baby. (Pause) Why'd I just say that? Anyway..."

I went in a Duane Reade pharmacy today - pretty much a New-York-only pharmacy - and looked around for the generic version of Airborne tablets to fend off some scratchy throatness. Upon entering the back aisles - BAM! - I'm hit with blaring country music. That took me back home a little, hearing a sentimental radio country song, something I don't particularly like, but would hear a lot back home in various places. And it was followed up by the smash hit, As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys. That reminded me of home, namely Carowinds. You know, when you're walking all soaking wet from Rip Roarin' Rapids and the water smells faintly like sewage, and some kid is feeding all those carp under the bridge but throwing his gum on them and spitting lugees too, and then you walk by the Record Your Own Hit! booth and hear 3 out of tune 13 year old female voices, "I don't care whooo you ar - hey (giggle giggle) - GUYS! COME ON! (giggles) WOO! - as long as you loooove meeee"... that kind of memory resurfaced. Nostalgia? Ehhh, maybe when I have kids of my own.

Speaking of which - dun da da da dunnnnn - guess who's pregnant? No, not me. That'd be cool huh? Nah, not really. No, my sister! Yeah her and my brother-in-law, Alan, are expecting a little Holmberg this summer. He/She has been named Baby H by the families since they aren't finding out the gender yet. I have decided to rename it Cletus the Fetus for my own enjoyment as an upcoming uncle. More on Cletus to come.

If you're in NYC and reading this and don't have plans in 5 hours, look to the right of the page and check the time for tonight's improv show at UCBT featuring CHANTICO WARFARE the longform improv group I'm in. If you come to the show, give the suggestion, "Bay of Pigs". We've worked out so many scenes for that one.

And now....I go home.

But I leave you with this. Duuuuude.

Top Regret of 2005

2006-01-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

I was not invited to this:

Here's to a new year.

Windmills, Breakdowns, Pots, and Pans

2006-01-17T09:28:00.000-05:00

This post is a throwback to an old video from a couple years ago. This was one of my favorite videos we did while I was at Lurecrest. It was made in the context of being in the Lurecrest summer camp culture and was best viewed there, but I think it has some staying power outside the camp world too. Here's the set up I gave it before we would show it in chapel (so pretend you're a 7th grade camper and you're sitting in an old open air chapel in the mountains of NC in July 2003, and you're tired, and it's 10 AM, and you're about to be blown away by video hilarity, and then I come out on stage to introduce it):

"We really enjoy having you guys here as campers this week, and we wanted you know that when you get older you can spend a summer working here if you're interested. It's really a fun time, and it's just awesome to be up here. When you're in high school the first job you can get here is working as a CrossTrainer which is our work crew program. The girls serve in the dining hall and the guys wash dishes and do trash runs, and it's hard work, but a lot of fun. We've got a great group of guys this year, and one in particular is a real, uh...asset to the team. He's really a hard worker and really gets into his job, more than anybody we've ever seen. It freaks the other guys out some, but they're getting along and getting used to his work style. Anyway, we figured we'd give you a look into what it's like being on work crew with this guy. So here you go, here's a video about him: Hardcore Man."

The video's also up on YouTube so if you're ever on that site look it up under "Hardcore Man" or "Hopesfall". The music is "The Far Pavillions" by Hopesfall. And thanks Ryan Russel for playing Hardcore Man and gorging yourself on brownies and hardcore dancing to no music for an hour.

Question The Answers

2006-01-10T11:32:00.000-05:00

Greetings all, welcome to the first post of 2006. A new year, a new lease on life, and this being the 10th day of the new year, I'm not making much headway on my "Nip Procrastination In The Bud" goal. I promise more posts to come soon. There's much news to report - a new neighborhood, a new roommate, I'm enrolled in some new classes, and I just got some new shoes. Bonus!

For now, I'll leave you with some questions proliferating in my head today:

Was that lemon flavor in the leftover pound cake I just ate in the office breakroom natural? Did it come from real lemons?

Were the sprinkles that adorned the top of the pound cake's icing natural? Where do sprinkles come from? (Duh, everyone knows that. Something as colorful and fun as sprinkles aren't natural - but they aren't manmade either. They are excess explosions of glamour given off from Elton John's sequiny clothes. Useful excess, like how penicillin came from mold.)

I photocopied packets for "Diversity Awareness" at work that had clipart of a Hispanic woman, an Indian woman, a White man and a Black man all standing around an office desk. But how does that Sasquatch in our office feel? Pretty underrepresented I bet. And left out and sad. And don't say you can't find Sasquatch clip art. That's a weak excuse.

Why was it 55 degrees in New York City yesterday on January 9th? Why am I questioning that?

What is Wang Chung doing right now?

(Duh, Wang Chung-ing. What is on this record anyway? 17 remixes of that one song?)

Tis' The Season: Day 24

2005-12-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: The Eve of Eve's

It's almost Christmas Day, the apex of the Christmas season. Today's a day of expectation, the day where kids begin to go nuts, churches light candles and sing hymns, and parents stay up late piecing together a Moonbase Space Station play set that may lose it's interest value in less than a week. Note to parents: keep the box those big toys came in. Kids love boxes. They will turn it into a racecar, an army bunker, or a much cooler Moonbase Space Station than the one that was previously stored inside it. One that runs not on plutonium, but the wonderous, limitless imagination of a child (cue grandiose fluorish of strings and Gene Wilder emerges as Willy Wonka with a peaceful smile). Of course if the child is female, she will turn the box into all these same things, just make them pink. A pink Moonbase. Pretty much an easy target for aliens to make fun of. Oh well.

As you stay up late this Christmas Eve to piece together that Moonbase, wrap extra presents, or fight off expectation of the next morning so you can get to sleep (just to wake up the next morning and body check a kid out of the way so you can get to the Moonbase first), feel this virtual Christmas hug sent to you from me. Uh oh, looks like we're standing under some virtual mistle toe....heh, yeah...sooooo....WHOA! back off! At least give me some warning!

If you're finding yourself sluggish from too much egg nogg and yule log and need a pick me up, check out this link Sam Boyd sent me where you can pimp out a nutcracker doll. And this SNL video skit. It's very funny. That should work for your holiday blues.

Merry Christmas to all, and Happy Holidays. Joy to the World!

Tis' The Season: Day 23

2005-12-23T17:16:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Striaght Outta Orient Are

Christmas is close. The three wisemen are well into their journey, in search of the new King to bring him gifts and worship him. But they took a different route to the stable this year on their search, even making a stop at 109th St. between Broadway and Amsterdam Ave - which, fifteen years ago, was rumored to be the cocaine capital of the world. Being wise kings, one stayed outside as a lookout:

Wise choice. He better put that frankincense out of sight if he doesn't want to get jacked.

Tis' The Season: Day 22

2005-12-22T12:05:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Last Minute Gift Ideas

It's three days from Christmas and time is running out to finish your shopping. Still don't know what to get so-and-so for their last or even first gift? Don't freak out, you can do it. If you're strapped for cash and don't have a lot of time, here are some ideas:

Grab any CD or DVD in recipient's home and re-wrap it. When they open it, quickly ask, "Do you already have that? I feel like you do for some reason. Well, you can always return it...".

Fruitcake. If you can't find any, press bread, spackle, wood putty, and shiny plastic jewels together to form a loaf. Recipient probably won't eat it anyway, and if they do, it'll taste about the same.

An interpretative dance. It's memorable, free, and after you do it they won't ask any questions, either out of confusion or fear.

Front row tickets to U2 next time they come in town. There is NO WAY you'll score these even if you try, so promise big, because you'll be off the hook later. Throw in backstage passes and a starring role in an iPod commercial with Bono while you're at it.

Free newspapers. Every town has their own Spectator, Village Voice, or About Town. Grab five or six of those and tie a bow around them. You can comment on the fabulous article about the local silkscreener, and about all the fun things listed inside the two of you could do one weekend.

A long, slow kiss (not suitable for members of immediate family, significant others of friends, or co-workers (unless you're going for a promotion)).

A gift certificate. To a movie night. At your house. With pizza. They they bring.

A box labelled 12 Year Old Scotch. Inside the box is this picture:

Look at them seriously, squarely in the eye. "I hope you're ready for your gift: I'm going to let you release the guilt you hold for not holding up your end of the relationship." When they look puzzled reply, "I know. You don't have to say anything. I brought tissues too."

A paper certificate that reads, "Tickets to the Gun Show". Then flex and make exploding sounds.

Tell recipient, "I know how hard you've worked to make this holiday enjoyable for all of us, and I know you need some rest. So I'm giving you the gift of silence: peace and quiet," and then refuse to speak anymore. If recipient questions gift, only say, "Shhhhhh...enjoy it, be good to yourself."

Walk in room with toy rocket taped to end of foot and shout, "Merry Christmas!! Mistletoe! Get it!? Get it!?" Commence roundhouse kicks towards recipient's face and everytime you get close, lean in and kiss relentlessly.

Tis' The Season: Day 21

2005-12-21T10:11:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Today is the second audio post of Tis' The Season, this time a group effort of myself and two friends warming your heart with the holiday treat: "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" done by mouth trumpet. Believe it or not, the arrangement was done on the fly, COMPLETELY IMPROV. I know, I know. Not many bigger miracles than this.

Tis' The Season: Day 20 Redux

2005-12-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Christmas Carols
In an effort to give the people what they want, here's another post for
Day 20.

For Halloween, I found a site to tell me what costume to wear. The results weren't satisfying. Now I've found a site that tells you what your Christmas song is after gathering a little (very little) info about you. After admitting that I was "Nice" (instead of "Naughty" - hey it was a good year) this year and that I used Blogger, I was prescribed my Christmas song.

One problem: My "Christmas" song isn't even a Christmas song. It's not even just a Winter song associated with Christmas, or an unrelated hymn sometimes sung at Christmas. It's "The Chanukah Song". I don't want to get into a huge fight over Christmas semantics, and don't want to bash Chanukah either. I even like "The Chanukah Song", originally performed by Adam Sandler on SNL. I just think there's a little contradiction when the Christmas Carol Generator 3000 reads back to you, "Your Christmas Song Is: The Chanukah Song!" I can't wait to check up on this website in a couple months to read, "Your Summer Anthem is: Winter Wonderland!"

Also take note of the message after the lyrics: "You're wacky, offbeat, and irreverent. And you may not celebrate Christmas at all." How about, "You're JEWISH"?! That's why most people celebrate Chanukah! I'm sure there are some wacky and offbeat Chanukah celebrators, but they probably don't celebrate just because they're "wacky". If that was the case, Hollywood would hold an annual Chanukah party hosted by Bobcat Goldwaith and Carrot Top. Maybe it's just deductive reasoning. "Hmmm, wacky, offbeat, and may not celebrate Christmas at all? Who does that sound like....Jerry Stiller, John Stewart? Seinfeld! Chanukah!!"

Not that Christmas and Chanukah are complete opposites, they're just sort of apples and oranges. I do have a friend who celebrates both Christmas and Chanukah. He's a Christian Jew, and I'm sure he could find some great interwoven ties in Christmas and Chanukah. (They both start with a "C", there's one.) Although, he is a bit wacky and offbeat, so that explains it....

Your Christmas Song Is

The Chanukah Song

O.J. Simpson
Still not a jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

You're wacky, offbeat, and irreverent
And you may not celebrate Christmas at all

What Christmas Carol Are You?

Tis' The Season: Day 20

2005-12-20T17:19:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Whether Rain, Sleet, Or Snow....

The holidays are peak travel times. People travel, gifts travel, Christmas cards travel, even the three wisemen travelled back in the day at Christmas Episode I. Things get around.

Today, there was a transit strike in Manhattan. At 5:00 AM this morning, after failed overnight negotiations with the Metropolitan Transit Authority and city officials, the Transit Workers' Union threw down the gauntlet and transit workers all over the city walked off the job. No subways, no buses.

Get ready to lose a few pounds and walk a few miles

I awoke at 6:30 AM (after a strange dream about a pit bull showing up at a party at a public park and setting everyone on edge because we all knew that pit bull would attack us at any moment) to my alarm blasting out the radio. It is set to a spanish radio station. I checked the New York Times' website and saw that the strike went down. Then I went back to bed hitting snooze every 9 minutes for 2 hours. After the ninth time my alarm went off, I decided it'd be smart to change the channel to an English speaking station I could understand to hear what was going on with the strike and the morning commute.

I got a voicemail from my roommate: "Put on your walking shoes and don't plan on taking a cab to work...there's crazy traffic out here. And you may want to bring a camera."

Fellow Walkers - Note the news trucks in the picture

I live at 108th St. on the west side of town. I usually take the subway to work...no, ALWAYS take the subway to work. Because I don't want to walk to 42nd St. on the east side of town, where I work. But not this morning. Like all other New Yorkers, I was walking.

The last time there was a strike was 1980. People got to work however they could. I love this picture taken during that strike, it's a guy in a business suit rollerskating through traffic to get to work (I can't find it, if anyone can let me know).

So I got dressed and got ready to go, and then realized, "This is kinda fun. I get to go in late to work and get to walk all through the city." I thought of the picture of Rollerskate Businessman. In proud tribute, I grabbed my skateboard headed downtown. There were tons of people everywhere and police directing traffic. Cars couldn't go further downtown than 96th St. unless they had no less than four people in them.

I skated and walked on my 66ish block commute, and it was awesome. I skated down sidestreets, through Central Park, and down Park Avenue. I even managed to do a little ollie (read: 2 inches high) over a cable in the street as I was en route. Best of all, I got to live a fantasy of being in Manhattan, going to work in the busy rush, and getting to skateboard there through the streets. My fellow commuters watched as I rode by down the streets. I only wish I could've done a kickflip boardslide down a fifteen stair rail on the way and kept going, right past a coffee stand where I'd hold out my hand and snatch a coffee and bagel and throw some money on the cart's counter yelling, "Keep the change bro!" and then turn and flash a smile at the camera as Christian Slater rolled up beside me and said "Man you really gleam the cube!".

The morning even made my office job seem cooler, coming in to hang up my coat and put my skateboard in the coat closet. I am the new Michael J. Fox.

Strike Commute Transportation

In the midst of all this, one man, without a skateboard or rollerskates also remained faithful. When I was washing dishes about to leave my apartment, I heard the doorbell ring. "Coming!" I yelled, to which it rang about four more times. "The postman always rings twice" - in our neighborhood, he rings 7 or more times regardless if you acknowledge you're there or not. I opened the door and saw him there - the faithful postman, out early to do his job, handing me a package. I thanked him and he flew off, his cape in the wind - wait, no he just walked down the stairs - and I opened the box to see a bow and small present from my aunt and uncle, my first one of Christmas '05 so far. Whether rain, sleet, snow, or transit strike, the postman delivers Christmas.

Tis' The Season: Day 19

2005-12-19T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Joy To The World

I got a list of holiday greetings in several different languages. Some look "friendly" to my simple American English. Others....mind blowing. Let's take a look.

French: Joyeux Noël Et Heureuse Année or Joyeux Noël Et Bonnee Année
Easy enough, I took French in high school and college.

Argentina: Feliz Navidad Y Prospero Año Nuevo
Pretty close to Spanish, and I've heard it in lots of holiday songs.

Brazilian: Feliz Natal E Prospero Ano Novo
Gettin' a little further from home....does "Natal" have to do with the Baby Jesus? Hmm...

Italian: Buon Natale E Felice Anno Nuovo or Buon Natale E Felice Capodanno
Ok...see some romance language similarities. I think one of those words is the name of a pastry.

Catalan: Bon Nadal I Feliç Any Nou
Whoa! Ok, still close. "Any Nou" sounds like a question phrase I would say if I were in Catalan looking for transit. "Excuse me sir.....uhh....Any Nouuuu? Darn, I don't think he's understanding me...."

Chinese (Cantonese): Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun Sing Dan Fai Lok
No idea. Let's try a different approach.

Chinese (Mandarin): Kung His Hsin Nien Bing Chu Shen Tan Sheng Dan Kuai Le
Much better. Makes perfect sense now.

Czech: Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce A Stastny Novy Rok
No relation to anything I've seen before, other than the presence of letters. Further proof to me that Czech is impossible to understand. Although "Novy Rok" sounds like the title of an 80's Russian metal band that would've opened for The Scorpions.

Bulgarian: Chestita Koleda Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo Tchestita Nova Godina
Nope. "Nova Godina" sang for "Novy Rok" I believe.

Dutch (Netherlands): Prettig Kerstfeest
I'm pretty sure this is just a Dutch compliment for "I enjoyed your festival." "Prettig Kerstfeest!" "Me too! Come again next year!"

Estonian: Roomsaid Joulu Phui Ja Uut Aastat
"What did Room say? I can't believe that, what nerve."

Gaelic (Irish): Nolag Mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise
Gaelic (Scot): Nollaig Chridheil Agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Gaelic (pronounced "Gah-lick", per Sam Boyd) culture has a cool history, filled with things that remind me of what Braveheart looked like. Still, their language, completely unintelligible to me. Except "Nolag". I could get down with that word.

Greek: Kala Khristougena Kai Eftikhes To Neon Ethos
"Neon Ethos" refers to a new designer fragrance for men, just in time for Christmas 05'.

Iraqi: Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Wait a sec, Christmas is NOT about any kind of holy war....ohhhh, that says "JADIDAH". Right.

Hindi (India): Shubh Christmas
That's cheating, India.

Danish: Glaedelig Jul
I think this is a Dutch greeting for Independence Day.

German: Frohe Weihnachten Und Ein Glückliches Neues Jahr or Fröhliche Weihnachten Und Ein
Although cordial, I bet this sounds tough as nails in German, as most things do.

Rapa-Nui (Easter Island): Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi
Wrong holiday guys. Your time comes in April.

And my favorite greeting...
Norse (Danish): Gledlig Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar
Because it's Norse. Probably spoken by a 7 foot tall guy on a horse wearing a helmet with horns, and eating something raw.

Merry Christmas.

Tis' The Season: Day 18

2005-12-18T22:57:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Secret Santa

It's one week before Christmas and it's December's official weekend of holiday parties. So I got you a gift. It's ok if you didn't bring one, you can participate in the gift exchange. Christmas is the season of giving and I am more than happy and excited to give you this. What is it? Shake it, shake it....what do you think? NO! That's not even out on DVD yet, plus season two of Desperate Housewives was lame compared to the first one. Still don't know? Ok, here you go...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Last night, while discussing musical super genius and all around awesome artist Sufjan Stevens with a friend, he asked if I'd heard the Sufjan Stevens Christmas albums. "What?? NO!!" Despite getting home from my shift at the theater at 3:30 AM last night, I rushed online to download them and am now happy to pass them along to you - three Christmas album projects of original and traditional songs played by Sufjan Stevens.

If you're familiar with Sufjan, you understand this is ONE OF THE BEST GIFTS I COULD GIVE YOU! And if you're not, click on the link, download all three albums, and prepare to enjoy some of the sweetest, most heartfelt and sincere, most creative music you've heard in a while - Christmas-themed just in time for the holidays. These albums were never released for sale as of yet and have seen distribution through blogs and fans of the multi-instrumentalist leader of the Michigan Militia and the Illinoise Makers, Sufjan Stevens. So if you're worried about stealing music off the internet, no need to fret - you can't buy these anywhere now and they're meant to downloaded and enjoyed. The files are available as .Zip files for each album. There's also a track by track site if you prefer to download one at a time - but honestly, IT'S CHRISTMAS - love yourself and download all three albums in their entirety.

Some of my favorite tracks thus far (a mere 20 hours after downloading the albums) are "It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad!", "We're Goin' To The Country!", "Put The Lights On The Tree!", "Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance!", and "That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!". If you want to hear more of Sufjan's music, head over to his record label site, Asthmatic Kitty, where you can listen to songs and pick up his albums.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy the gift, don't let anyone steal it from you in the gift exchange and give you a stupid Starbucks card.

Tis' The Season: Day 17

2005-12-17T21:24:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Christmas Marketing

Rare photo of Santa with his Marketing Director Blair Richards discussing this year's hot gifts for 11 year old girls.

Tis' The Season: Day 16

2005-12-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Even The Beasts Rejoice

Merry Christmas from Splotchy, circa 2004, wearing her Christmas scarf.

Tis' The Season: Day 15

2005-12-15T22:27:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Run, Run Rudolph

When Christmastime comes, every deer gets excited for the famous reindeer. Click here to hear this Florida deer's story.

(If you can't view the file, check out the related article. Watch that video if you can. That deer really wanted a smoothie or something.)

Tis' The Season: Day 14

2005-12-14T18:30:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Calling Home for Christmas

I've been experimenting with different media and blogging. On the way to the NJ Nets vs. Charlotte Bobcats game tonight I posted this Christmas song via cell phone. Enjoy.

Tis' The Season: Day 13

2005-12-13T12:20:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Holiday Gift Shopping

What do you get the person who has everything? You can't get them the practical, they already own the practical, and all the hottest trends as well. Do you buy a gag gift, or the old standby - a gift card? Or search and search for something they definitely don't have, something they'd never buy for themself? But, aren't extra "things" just bulk to clutter up the house? After the holidays, the person who has everything, really does have everything because now they have the wacky gifts they wouldn't have bought for themself, plus the everything they had before. Now they've gotta lug these things around like a ball and chain of yuletide novelty.

J. Crew.com has a holiday gift guide including a whole page of items for the person who has everything. Here's what they suggest:

If you're gonna give that ball and chain, you might as well go all out I suppose.

Tis' The Season: Day 12

2005-12-12T17:20:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: Doin' The Funky Chicken With Your Boss

This week, this:

Will transform into this:

That's right, this week I will experience a rite of passage every cubicle lemming of Corporate America gets to experience at the holidays: the Office Christmas Party. At least I thought I would get to. But this weekend I realized I double booked myself and am going to a NJ Nets vs. Charlotte Bobcats game with the UNC Black Alumni Club (and I think the entire party going to the game is white...interesting...wonder if Vince Carter will be surprised to see us).
I'm a little bummed because as much as I was dreading the office party, I started to get excited about singing "Everybody's Working For The Weekend" at the karaoke station and dedicating it to my hard charging office mates.

All the same, it'll probably be more fun to see this:

rather than this:

Tis' The Season: Day 11

2005-12-11T23:23:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: SCUBA CLAUS!!!

Kentucky is adding some Christmas flare to one of its aquariums. Through the Christmas season, schoolchildren can come and see Santa and his elf helper Snowflake underwater, IN A SHARK TANK. Check out the full article here, but below are some of my favorite quotes:

'Calvin Freeman, age 4, has a question for Scuba Santa. "Do you only have nice sharks in there?" Calvin asks, pointing to a toothy, 270-pound tiger shark swishing past Santa's underwater sleigh. "Because some sharks chew people's legs off. They're bad sharks."'

'To avoid being eaten, Santa takes several precautions. He checks his arms and legs before each show to be sure he has no open, bleeding cuts.' (It makes me wonder if Santa usually has open bleeding cuts...."Ho Ho Hoooooo!? I'm bleeding again. Dang it.")

'Once in the water he keeps his hands close to his body and makes no sudden moves; if Santa were to wave quickly, a passing shark could mistake his flopping, white-gloved hand for a wounded fish. The subsequent interaction would no doubt prove emotionally scarring for the dozens of children in the audience.'

'"Help me out, kids," said Santa. "What do you think I should get the jellyfish for Christmas?"
"Peanut butter!" said Alex Covington, 3.
"That's a good idea!" Santa said. "Now, what do you think I should get for my sea turtle friend here, Denver?"
"An underwater crossbow!" yelled Calvin Freeman.'